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Prior to us getting married my wife and I discussed having children. She knew that in no uncertain terms that I did not want any, now she has blind sided me by letting me know that she wants to have kids. I feel deceived, did she agree with me just for us to get married?
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Nadia and Melissa: Not only is it unfair and judgmental to call John selfish, it isn't productive. Someone could as easily call his wife deceptive and manipulative, and it would be just as unfair. People are entitled to make their own decisions, and have their own goals and values. The problem is the disparity between the two of them.
John: Under no circumstances should you have children until and unless you decide to. Point out to your wife how sad it would be for kids to grow up with a father who didn't want them. She may think you'll change your mind once you have them -- and you might! -- but that's a terribly risky gamble to take with a child's life. However, the next thing you both should do is go to couples counseling. I doubt she intentionally deceived you, but you need counseling to repair this rift and explore your options going forward. She was probably deceiving herself, and you shouldn't blame her for making that mistake, nor for feeling as she does now.
Realistically, there are three possible outcomes: 1. The two of you cannot resolve your differences on this, and get divorced; 2. You change your mind and decide you are okay with having kids. 3. She changes her mind and decides she's okay with not having kids.
Now, wait a minute -- if we're being realistic, you can forget about outcome 3. It's extremely unlikely, and even if she says she agrees, she will probably be unhappy and your marriage will decay. Resign yourself to the fact that you will not have the kid-free marriage you envisioned with her. You will either divorce, or have kids. If you want to stay married, you owe it to yourself to get into couples counseling and give it everything you have. I wish you both the best.
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I think you are being selfish, were you an only child or did you have brothers and sisters? For most couples, the question about whether to have children isn't really a question, it's a given. Sometimes one spouse wants a child while the other isn't nearly as excited about the prospect. Unfortunately, there's no easy solution to this problem. Are you worried that you won’t be able to love the child? Put a list of your concerns together and schedule a time to talk them over with your wife. You'll probably find that even though she's more gung-ho than you are right now, she shares many of those concerns with you.
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I don't think she did, people change and maybe for her it's a way to bond you two together. Take it as a compliment and stop being so selfish.
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